On Friday the 19th of November, 2021, 4 days before my estimated due date I woke up feeling weird, feeling tender. Sensitive. Like in a place between two places. Very bizarre.

Was feeling slight period type pains, I had been feeling them for a couple of days. Went to the shop to get some food with Elliott (our nearly 3 year old at the time). We were being very tender with each other too. I wanted to get some salmon for lunch, I really didn’t want anything heavy because I was feeling really full. We got home, cooked and ate. I made salmon fajitas for Ian (my partner) and Elliott. I tried one,they were pretty dench even though I accidentally put too much cayenne pepper in thinking it was paprika. After lunch, we played with some play dough in the kitchen and Elliott and I cleaned the kitchen window together (I never clean windows, this was some major nesting energy).

Afterwards, I wrote all of my favourite affirmations on one piece of paper so that I could draw them all nice for the wall of the living room, next to the birthing pool, once it was set up…when the time came. We played in Elliott’s kitchen, he cooked me lots of delicious “food” and we decided to go out so that we could get some flowers for our birth space before we went to the playground. Got some eucalyptus and some other pretty but weird looking blossom, that the lady said would last until after Christmas. Winner. Then we went to the playground. There weren’t many people there. It was a bit grey and dull. There were two other boys Elliott’s age, with their dads. Ian came to meet us because he went for a run and I said to Elliott that we’re gonna go home in 10 minutes and then my friend Mara arrived with her cargo bike full of kids. We’d been trying to meet for ages. Elliott and I ended up staying at the playground until it got dark. Chatted with Mara and the hoard of kids played. It was really really nice.

We went home and ate dinner. I cried during dinner because I felt so weird. Afterwards it was bedtime for Elliott. We brushed our teeth, read some books, and then I lay next to him until he was asleep. When he was sleeping I got up and went to our bed. At around 21:00 I needed to pee, got up to go to the toilet, and on the way, peed myself, or so I thought. I went to the toilet and there was a big slimy white mucusy thing in my underpants (I assumed it was the mucus plug). I called Ian into the bathroom so we could figure out if my waters had broken or if I really did piss myself. We googled it. My underpants smelled like pee, so assumed that I had peed myself. Oh my god, we were standing there sniffing my underpants, mega lols. They did smell a bit sweet though. Google said that that is what it smells like when your waters break. Sweet.

Anyway, I went to bed again and then got up 30 minutes later to see if it was the waters that had broken (apparently if you stand up after half an hour another load of liquid will come out)…but it didn’t feel like water came out so I assumed that it was not the waters. But I was having regular “period pains”. I decided to have a sleep until I could sleep no longer. I slept until around 00:30. Then I got up to go the bathroom because I needed a poo. I started messaging some pals. Ella (first person I always write to when I have a good poop), Jaspreet, Vicki and Jenny (yes, this Jenny!). I was feeling like I could be in the beginning stages of labour. My belly was tightening more and more and I was feeling more and more uncomfortable. But I was feeling really held by all the messages from my pals. It was lovely. It felt normal. I felt calm. A tiny edge of nervousness, but mostly I was present and feeling the sensations more than thinking. If this was it, there’s nowhere I had to go this time. I was right where I needed to be to birth this baby.

At around 1:00 Elliott cried out for me to come and lie next to him. So I went to lie next to him. My arm around him to help him fall asleep again. To know he’s not alone. My belly was still “working”, but I feel like it had calmed a bit. 20 minutes later Elliott was sleeping again and I went back to the toilet. This time I had such runny shits. And that is when it clicked that this is actually happening. Ian told me he’s going to start setting up the birth pool just in case we might need it at some point. I think he knew that it was happening, even though we hadn’t said. “This is happening now.”

I got off the toilet because I felt uncomfortable sitting upright and got on all fours next to the bath. My pyjama trousers and underpants were still around my ankles. I remember them being there for a really long time. I asked Ian for a hot water bottle. Which he put on my lower back. That felt nice until it didn’t anymore and I asked him to take it off because “I feel like I’m burning on the inside and outside”. And that’s when my body started bearing down and pushing. It was all consuming and like some kind of being had taken over my body. I was having short breaks in between the surges…which barely felt like a couple of seconds, before the next wave hit. Ian kept leaving the bathroom to try and set up the birth pool. But I’d call him back, so I could hold on to him during the surges. At some point, he turned off the lights (we had set up fairy lights in the corner of the bathroom, which were on already), and then I told him I want him to stay in the bathroom. Fuck the fucking birth pool. I needed him to hold on to. He brought in some little electric tea lights, put them on the side of the bath, and stayed with me. At some point, Ian took off my trousers for me. I moved towards the sink. I held onto the cool bowl through each surge. They were constant…and intense. I said many times that I don’t know if I’ll be able to continue for long if it stays this intense. Ian kept telling me to breathe and that I could do this. I was calm breathing throughout and lots and lots of completely involuntary down breathing. Somewhere in this timespan (at 2:40, I checked my call history), Ian said he’s going to call my midwife Rosi to come. And I agreed, yes he should call. We were on speakerphone to her. “Slow exhales Jessica” And she said she’ll start getting ready to leave. 

Breathe…in for 4, out for more. 

Down. 

Breathe…

Down…

Slow…

At 3:10 Rosi called to say she’ll be with us in around 20 minutes. She said “exhale slowly Jessica”. She did a round of breathing with me. And then she got off the phone to drive to us. 
I washed my hand to feel inside my vagina if the head was there. In my head, I was thinking “please, please, please let the head be there“ I needed something to prove to me that the end was in sight. I felt something hard about a finger deep. Ok, that’s the head. It felt quite far up. 

Me: I think I’m going to throw up. I don’t know if I can do this 

Ian: you are doing it. 

Me: I’m doing it. Breathe. Slow. Down.

Ian: slow

Me: Ian, I’m panicking a bit, can you put my affirmations on?

Ian put the affirmations on my phone under the sink and even though I couldn’t really hear the track, it was soothing to know it was there. I had listened to these so often. Jenny’s voice had brought me to sleep nearly every night since the middle of my pregnancy. They felt like a place I knew. And I needed to be told that I was a badass powerhouse right now. 

My whole body was contracting and pushing. I was sweating, holding on to the sink. Felt like I was going to rip it off. I remember the feeling of my hair being stuck to my forehead from sweating so much. I was worried that I was being really loud and I didn’t want to wake up Elliott. The sounds were coming from a place that I had never been to so intensely, despite having given birth before. 

Me: I hope Elliott doesn’t wake up

Ian: and if he does, he does. But you are doing this now. 

Me: Slow. Deep. Down. I don’t know if I can do this. 

Ian: you’re doing it. Breathe…breathe.

Me: shut up! Slow, down, breathe. I can do this. 

Ian: slow

Me: I can do this.

I checked for the head again and already it was lower down. 

Me: Ian, is that the head?

Ian: I don’t know

Me: put your hands there.

Burn. It’s burning. 

Me: Is that the head. (Knowing it’s the head) You need to catch him. 

The head was out

Me: don’t pull him

Ian: I’m not

And with the next surge, the rest of him flopped into Ian’s hands. Ian caught him behind me from in front of me if that makes sense. And then managed to pass him through my legs. The tiny being was sooooooo slippery, I was quite amazed that Ian managed to catch him at all from the angle he was standing. I held our baby with two hands, close to the ground, and brought my chest to his tiny, shiny body. 3:24, Ian called Rosi “the baby is here”. 

He helped me lie down on the towels underneath me and got me a blanket from the bed, which at first I didn’t want because I didn’t want to get blood and other unidentifiable fluids on it but he was pushy, “it doesn’t matter, we’ll wash it”. Baby was breathing a bit weird, so I patted and rubbed his back. Ian called Rosi again to check if breathing was weird. She said it was probably just amniotic fluid, she’ll be there really soon to check. 

Ian hangs up the phone. 

Me: oh my god. I did it. 

Ian: you did.

Full disclosure, a couple of months before giving birth I had told Ian I had a feeling I would give birth in the bathroom whilst Elliott was sleeping and hopefully before the midwife arrived because I didn’t want anyone messing with my birth juju like last time. I totally manifested this. And couldn’t be more proud to have really listened to my body and mind throughout this entire pregnancy and birth. I knew that I didn't want to leave my home to give birth. I followed my gut, and planned a home birth, even though I had already registered at the hospital. I managed to find my midwife quite late in my pregnancy (in Germany a homebirth midwife will meet with you throughout your pregnancy and will attend your birth), they are hard to find. I practiced my ass off with the hypnobirthing affirmations and meditations. And spoke to Ian in depth about what I wanted and my fears. Ian was the birth partner I needed, it was like we were this little orb of energy on that dark November night when everyone was sleeping. One of the most intimate experiences of my life…absolutely sacred and primal, and the healing I needed.